Always Near

You are kept on my chapped lips

and you are kept in my normal scent

You, darling, are forever near me

You are in the glare of my favorite

sunglasses

and the only cd I played in my first car

There’s no forgetting

because like my collarbones

and constellated freckles

You will always be a part

of my entirety

I want to stay to see the sun rise

I need to breathe when the music's softer

I can only think if the sky is dark

I'm supposed to sleep

On 100 milligrams of induced

Nightmares

But I can't feel when the air sticks

From the blankets to my socks

So fondly my mind drifts

Like it's been there before

And it has

I've visited there 3 times

In the past week

Just to see if anyone was home

I can't stand the light reflecting the water in your eyes 

And our breath catching the hair on your arm 

Or the wrinkles in between your eyebrows 

When you look at me for the first time that day 

Because when you pause and bite your lip 

In the middle of saying something important 

I pray you won't stop

For the sake of my racing pulse to understand 

I need you

Simplistic views and conversation was as fresh 

as the zephyr 

But as lost as the stream 

that we couldn't quite see

He needs composure 

and I'm a crashing storm

The question kept arising of

Who Are You 

My answers were lost in pages

of journal entries from 

the months of relaxation and meditation 

Rocks in my shoes will be a constant 

reminder of the night we walked

to the edge of our minds 

but then traced back our steps 

Into the valley 

I understand that you're worth the pain 

That maybe when I wake up to reality 

You've stuck around 

Because the rain sounds clearer when you're here 

And because the tears come slower 

But what if I'm terrified 

My wrinkled heart can't handle strong hands

Pulling the strings attached to each emotion pulsing through my veins 

So carefully

Let me breakdown

Allow me to collapse

The one

Staying so focused on 

him being found

He has to be somewhere

but in arms reach 

I'm more than ready 

to meet you to see you

see me where

most are blind 

He's the one 

I am waiting 

But now I wonder

If maybe he's looking

for the one

too

Which makes me the one

that he's waiting 

searching

hoping for 

Sorry I haven't

Sorry I didn't 

My head

My mouth it just aches

The metal in my skull

Is weighing me

Holding me down 

Pinned to this couch 

In silence or my being will

Implode

The blazing energy stayed

Down my throat 

And into my lungs

The only way to keep me

And to find my burning lungs

On track

I left my eyes locked 

On you locking your eyes 

On me which tempted the idea

That you darling are

The only medicine 

The only cure 

For my dancing imagination

That rescues my aching bones 

Eighteen years old and my mom pays for my gas 

Eighteen years old and I can't keep my medicine in my room

I am eighteen years old and the word "fat" bothers me

I can't talk to you about calories or diets 

And not the unmistakable weight loss supplements 

Because I've abused my freedom to access those

It doesn't matter how often the world shouts praises at your feet touching the ground

The one time a person told you direct instructions of how low you are will stick closer and harder

We live in a world that is surrounded by bulldozers 

Who are only demolishing any sense you have that you might succeed 

That you might mean something because there are too many girls and boys 

That believe they don't 

That push themselves down so far and sometimes get stuck

Make it different

Write your story in black and blue and underline important things

Because that is why you're here

Today is suicide prevention day. Suicide is too close to too many people and we need it to stop and we need to change something. Stop making offensive jokes. Stop letting people sit by themselves. Stop being rude and stop being selfish. But keep listening. Keep inviting people to tag along. Keep being the people that I know can save lives. 

To go back and relive the moment of impact

To reintroduce the screams of my mother 

It doesn't seem right 

The distracted driver left with out a quiver 

But we stayed there awaiting the moment  

For our heads would stop pounding 

For our legs to stay still

"There isn't any damage"

She lied about the speed 

But our necks felt the jump 

Blurry images of emergency vehicles asked me my mothers name

I couldn't spell I couldn't remember 

Then marked the police report with my nervous penmanship 

Because she was slowly sobbing

Sorry this is rough. I just needed to write. 

 Shatters so sharp 

you could bleed on it's edges

Does it seem biased that you left

me here in pain

While adjusting isn't a problem

for you

His voice reminds me of you 

Their love knocks on my memory

And the breeze of cologne 

agonizes me to the bone

There is not a cure nor prescription available 

For my illness that confines me

That they nicknamed 

broken heart

This poem is written for a person very close to me that is going through a hard time. I love you. Hang in there. 

"Hold onto your heart"

Sit through the emotion

Breathe through the pain

Your heart racing is 

Your heart racing

Commonly throw anxiety around

But my ribs are breaking glass 

And my lungs are imploding

Not much can be shown 

Outside my breath blanketing

The words "I am o ka y"

We are victims of our own society

Minds that are molded by idealistic body types and lifestyles 

Why can't we change the way that men and women are objectified 

Made up to believe that sadness is wrong

But feeling good about yourself is worse

We are victims of our own self 

Shouting and screaming inside that I am you are we are not enough

But why won't we change the thoughts 

Rolling through our brains that tell us something should be 

Smaller

Tighter

Brighter

Healthier

Thinner

Smarter

Sexier

Better

Happier

Influenced by half naked posters

And photoshopped lives

The difference is the pulsing blood through every vein

It makes us real

Makes us vulnerable and relatable 

Because although beautiful to see,

No one wants to cuddle the cold perfect statue of David 

I want to fall
fly
float
& be caught
by arms that will hold
arms that will comfort
more than most
I want lips that finished saying
"it will be ok" only
to reach down on my forehead
I want something real &
tangible to my soul
I want him to dread leaving my side
not just leaving behind his scent
on my sweaters
I hope for a story of how
we met
she fell
he asked
but for now I'll stay
in the area reserved for
broken down hearts and held up heads

All of my current poems are far too cheesy. Pray that I'll get inspired by things other than a boy. 

xoxo

Overload of Poetry

I like the feeling of
this jacket against my skin
and the embracing smiles
from both my parents
mostly when my baby sister
asked to sleep in my room
or the moment I held
your hand
and
strangely, the comments
and quick remarks that
he makes


Maybe they were right
it does get better

Two in One

I'm hiding
under the white
under the comforter
from the world
& the rain
from the constant
Christmas songs
the 11 year old
learns
on the ivory keys
My stomach calls
for lunch
but my legs
won't turn
Pink polish flakes
& begs
to be peeled
off my broken
fingernails
Small wrinkles are 
in the center
above my nose
and the tension
the constant tension
fills up my 
entire
body

The waiting game
gets old
Awaiting the job
or the phone call
for the gas
to run out
or the song
to change
Always waiting
for the sun to come
or for the moon
to fall asleep

Because I Didn't Get a Prom

I wrote this poem a few months ago. The style is a lot different than what I write in now. Feel free to give me feedback about which you like better :)

Because I didn't get a prom
I get to recover
Because I don't have the chance to buy a dress
I get a second chance at living
Because I'm giving up my old habits
it proves I'm not just giving up

Although my graduation party isn't likely
at least my future is
Although I won't have senior pictures
at least I'll see ultra sound ones
Although the last six weeks have felt completely hopeless
at least I'm not six feet under

I used to treat my skin like paper
willing to shred it for hours
But I'm beginning to treat myself as a person
willing to paste together my wounds

I used to strive for flawlessness
with a probability of inauthenticity
But now I'm striving for a personality
with a probability of embracing my defects

I used to sacrifice my future
because of right now
But I'm starting to sacrifice right now
In hope for my future

People are living
The world is greening
But I, myself, am just beginning

The words sprint
and race through my head
but are unable to flatten
onto a page
Mostly my eyes
are captivated
occupied by alluring
beautiful things
that crave my attention
My ears ring with
white noise
but they don't
translate or judge
noise is noise
passing through
But so are we
noise, turbulence
beings of experiences
passing through
hoping not to be translated
or judged

Miss Tiny Beautiful Sadie Jean,
I've never seen something so perfect. I've also never seen your mommy so happy. Innocence is perfectly captured in your dark brown eyes that refuse to open. My hands smell like your blankets & I hope that scent remains. Since the second you  came your fists found themselves in your mouth constantly. Grandma said "hold her tight, she likes to feel secure" well darling that part doesn't change. No matter how many times your two year old body squirms out of our arms or your fifteen year old ears ignore your embarrassing dad, you'll like to feel secure. You'll want to feel safe. One day I hope you'll know the impact the black & white ultrasound of your profile had on me. I glued the fuzzy picture onto card stock. I carried you around with me. I cried when I thought it was lurking in the garbage somewhere then cried some more when it was found in the back of a closet. Darling, life is precious, especially yours. I held that precious life for a number of minutes & have missed you every second since.

The morning,
the soft light
spread through on the
blushing curtains
the faint throbs
of a clenched jaw
still exists
knotted hair is proof
that the night
was unrestful.

She never expected
or realized
that respect was earned
by breathing and blinking
or just simply by existing

She never gave herself
time to understand herself or
a thought to respect herself

Hello, my name is Jolene and I'm a writer. 

Whether you think so or not is completely up to you but I quite enjoy it and would like to share some things I have written on this blog. Some of the things I have written are very personal but I think those are the pieces that are most important to share. 

I hope you find something you like on here or something you relate to. If not, then there are plenty other things to read and/or to judge. 

All the words I share on here are my own. 

I take complete ownership over the dark and depressing words and over the light and hopeful words. 

Here goes nothing, aka everything.

Her words were capable

and stout 

She let the keyboard

hear her heartbeat

because it listened closely

to the pounding

in her head

Words are sticks

and yes they are stones

Allow hers to sink

into your bones

Allow them to weigh 

on you heavily

Primarily, allow them to 

mean more than words